It’s that time again. So we grabbed some lame beers and prepared ourselves to watch a lame movie. Except this time what we were left with was a wildly entertaining visualization of one of Rowdy Roddy Pipers wet dreams. Which goes by the name Hell Comes to Frogtown.
We struggled to come up with any drinking rules that didn’t directly involve Piper’s dick. But that’s because basically this whole movie is about how he can use his dick to win the cold war. No really.
Basically this is the main premise. Sam Hell (played by Roddy Piper) is in a post apocolyptic future. One where the cold war happened and is still going on. But in order to win the war the USA must repopulate. It’s then discovered through a sexual assault allegation that Sam has one of the last correctly functioning dicks in existence so it becomes his mission to date rape his way across the land and save the USA. It may sound like I’m exaggerating but that is seriously the premise to this movie.
This movie is basically an hour and a half porn intro that never makes it to the actual sex. Plus it’s the first time I’ve seen a rapist act as the hero of the movie, and the villain being the offended father of a women he allegedly sexually assaulted. Needless to say this movie doesn’t survive very well in the scrutiny of today’s society.
Is our hero a rapist?
The opening of this movie is Sam Hell being whipped by a man for sexually assaulting his daughter. Only later to be revealed that he got his daughter pregnant so she dropped the charges and he’s free to go. This is where he’s protected by the US government for his precious seed. It’s kind of unclear if the charges were dropped because she’s pregnant and that cancels out rape apparently, or if the charges were dropped by the woman herself because she’s glad she’s pregnant. Either way I’ve never seen a movie that opens with an alleged sexual assault.
Hmm I guess so.
After Sam Hell and his team consisting of Spangle and a couple others go on a mission to force Sam onto a group of women who are captive in Frogtown they come across a runaway girl trying to escape capture. Spangle discovers the runaway is fertile and tells Sam to force himself on her for the good of the USA. Initially our hero is reluctant to have sex with a woman who clearly doesn’t want to, but don’t worry Spangle sprays her with a formula that makes her docile and horny. So no harm no foul right…? Sam has his way with her and apparently everyone’s happy with that outcome. Moving on…
Unwanted sexual advances from a frog
You read that correctly. There’s a scene in this movie where there is a Frog woman who is trying to convince Sam to give her the bone. It goes on pretty long and is exactly as awkward as you’d imagine. Eventually Sam convinces her to wear a bag on her head, but even with that he runs out of the room making his escape.
The Three Dicked Frog
Just when you thought this movie couldn’t get more insane. Spangle is forced to learn a snake charming dance. Then when she does it in front of a giant frog it turns out the song was really for his dicks! Yes all three of them. Spangle promptly kicks him in all three of his dicks and flees the scene.
The Drinking Game
Drink one whenever:
- Sam gets his dick zapped.
- Someone threatens Sams dick.
- Someone tries to seduce Sam.
- Sex or reproduction are mentioned in any way.
- Anyone gets hit in the junk.
- Sam avoids getting laid.
- Players will also have to chug their drink for as long as Sam’s chastity belt beeps. This occurs as long as Sam is too far away from Spangle.
Hell Comes to Frogtown is a must see for anyone who enjoys a terrible movie. It’s right up there with Miami Connection for me for most entertaining bad movie. It may not be so-bad-it’s-good like The Room or Birdemic, but this movie is pretty timeless in that nobody will ever be able to make another movie like this without having to deal with the rage of a billion online bloggers. It goes great with a few beers because you might need them if you want to try and follow the logic in this movie.